Memories

Last night I had a lot of old memories come back to me... most of them revolve around a song that I recently have been listening to alot by Hedley called Perfect. Really I feel that the song basically describes how I have felt in a lot of ways with the way my relationship with Kahla went. I don't know it keeps reminding me of her even though that ship sailed long ago and is never coming back. I still remembered her birthday, though I guess it helps that hers is the same as my brother and sister. I don't know what to do I feel I have dealt with this a thousand times, yet it keeps coming back and each time stings worse. I have been watching Hereos lately and every time I watch I cant help but wish that I had some sort of special ability and now I am finding myself wishing I had Hiro's special power and could go back in time and change this so that I don't have to feel this pain. Or I that the Hatian could erase it from my memory. Everyone around me is changing while I see myself not going anywhere still paralyzed by what happened a year and a half ago on that Halloween night. I don't know how to move on... part of me I guess doesn't want to move on. I guess part of me remembers how happy I was that summer and how ever since that Halloween night I haven't been able to experience that happiness since. I am finding myself burying myself in either work, television, video games, or sleep. I have very few connections in Bellingham nowadays as Natalie is super busy at western RAing and such, Daniel is at Masters, Lydia at UW, Danelle going to Hati, Jeff in California, Scott and Danny are probably the only people outside of family I see on a regular basis. I am not attending church. I am trying to have a time with God but I feel no connection and haven't really felt one for almost a year. I don't know why I keep faking this life when I am so obviously living two different lives. One life I am the Awana leader who stands strong and everyone looks up to. Knows all the answers, all the verses. And another life where I am stuck constantly looking up porn, hiding things, lying, cheating, swearing, loosing self control, and killing people in my mind, going to certain places and trying to fill up this hole in my life with sexual pleasures. Filling my head with fantasies and lust. I have started to open up to some of these things with Daniel and Scott but have left a lot of the stuff out for fear of being told how sick and twisted and screwed up I am. I am a monster. A monster hiding under a mask of bible quizzer, citation award achiever, Awana leader, basketball player, oldest son, brother, friend, bible college applicant. For so long I have looked down on people who have done the things I have done and now I find myself doing those things and worse. How can God forgive me? I am the chief of sinners. How can God use me? I am selfish, prideful, and lazy. How can I even get my relationship with Him back? I have tried to repent, I have tried to pray, I have tried to read and memorize his word. But every time I just go back to my old ways faking one life in public and living a different life in private. I have no discipline and my support is a thousand miles away in California. I keep thinking maybe tomorrow something will change but nothing does, I keep begging and praying that I will find a church and a support group that keeps me accountable, unfortunately my feet do not fallow this plea and so I am still without a church and without accountability outside of Daniel. However in my dispair a song comes to mind, and plays from my computer.

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

This is what I desire, this is what I need. I need Christ and Him alone this is what I wish my heart and my body and my soul to crave each day rather then sexual immorality I would desire time with my savior, that when I feel lonely I would turn to his word and to prayer rather then TV, Movies, Video games, and porn. This is what I desire. This is what I dream. This is how I must move forward or else I am lost and will never be able to move on. I hope that you will keep me in your prayers as I move forward.

Confused

I really don't know what to do right now. I am really confused in a lot of areas. I don't know what to do about school, I don't know what to do about all my responsibilities, I don't know what to do about all my friends who are leaving for school in the next couple months, I don't know what to do about work and keeping money in my bank account, I don't know what to do about my faith which as of late has been nearly non-existent. I just don't know... I seem to always be in this state of confusion or at least have been for the last year or so and I don't know how to change it. I don't know if its because I have to many distractions in my life or what but I just can't seem to get close to God anymore and I know he hasn't gone anywhere. But I have I have wondered away and I can't seem to find my way back or if I do I get lost shortly after that. On top of all this spiritual confusion I have even worse emotional confusion. It seems that I just can't stand being single or maybe it is just because I am attracted to so many girls idk but I am always day dreaming about a time when I will have a girlfriend and just looking and finding lots of girls that I would love to go out with however always finding that either I don't have the courage to ask or that they are not interested in a relationship at this time or just not one with me. This distraction in my life is crippling me and causing me to reach out for things that have become huge footholds in my life. I find it hard to resist temptation of pornography and lust and other things when I am alone. Its hard for me to not have unpure thoughts. Even my tounge is starting to let words out that are not pure in nature. I need to purify my heart, I need to purify my brain, I need to purify my mouth. I NEED TO PURIFY MY LIFE! But I can't seem to do it on my own. In the bible we are encouraged and called to work together to overcome strongholds in our lifes and I am seeing now that as long as I try to overcome this on my own I will fail. And I know that as long as I leave my bible on my shelf and sleep in just before I have to leave for work I will countinue to fail. So here is what I would like to ask all of you who read this. You are my friends, Godly friends. I am asking you to help me stay accountable even though I wont like it. I actaully hate it when people don't see me as nearly perfect in every way. However I need to humble myself as no one is perfect besides God no one is even close so I need to let go of my pride and humble myself before my Savior and allow Him to work in my life to change me for the better that I might be a vessel to bring Him glory. Well there was the easy part: Saying it. Now comes the hard part: ACTION. Please pray for me!!!

Letting go

Today was a sad day in our house as we said goodbye to our Tai exchange student Lai. This got me thinking about how much I hate saying goodbye or just letting go of friends in general but this also seems to be an area of my life where God wants to work because it seems I am forced to let go of my friends more and more each day as they either go to college or start dating and more and more of there time gets consumed by other things and less is spent hanging out with me. It seems that this is God's way of telling me that I need to draw closer to Him so that while saying goodbye and letting go may still be hard I can do it knowing that I have a friend who I never have to say goodbye to or let go of and who is always there no matter where I am. This is what I see as God's new chalenge for my life to draw so close to Him that I can let go knowing that my best friend is always there. Sometimes I forget that and let the fact that all my friends are leaving or moving or dating or whatever and instead of being happy and excited for them I usually get depressed and think oh great I won't see them anymore or won't see them very often at least. I need to change my heart and learn that letting go is allright and that God will guide me through these times and that he has a perfect plan that I don't understand.

Down!!! But not Out!!!

Over the last month my life has been a mess. I have been struggling and now am on the precipice of being defeated. This month has tested both my faith and mind in many ways. To really explain how I got to this point we have to go back to last summer and the beginning of last fall. To a time in my life that I can only describe as complete twitterpation as Bambi describes it. Complete and total bind love for a girl named Kahla. This continued until on a fateful Halloween night in which my heart was torn in half and trampled on. This left me in complete and total depression which crippled me for the rest of the year and continues to affect me even today from time to time as wounds like that don't heal quickly or fully heal at all for that matter. Now lets move to some more recent history... about a month ago I was involved in a car accident that basically totaled my car leaving me car less if it weren't for my generous aunt who is allowing me to use their KIA. However this is only for a time and trying to find a new car that is both functional and affordable is not fun. In other areas of my life I am also being attacked vigorously as I have both forgotten about and been late for work at Anthony's 4 times this month :(. My personal life has not been exempt from this barrage of attacks by the devil as I am struggling with being lonely and wanting a relationship with someone. This has been magnified by my desire to seek that relationship with more then one person. All this gets topped off by being caught up in so many lies that sometimes its hard for me to distinguish what is truth and what is fiction. I feel like two different people. On one side I have my body and its desires and one side I have my spirit and its desires and at one time I am my body and at another time I am my spirit but the two never come together as one. Its kinda scary and its tearing me apart. I now stand here finding myself in sins and going how did I end up here only to fall right back into the sin later that day. I feel as if I have no control over myself anymore and certianly no control over my situations. The only comfort I get nowadays is in writing and singing. Everything else is empty. I am a slave to my sexual desires right now and I feel as if I can't get out of this hole. Everytime I am close to steping out I fall all the way back to the bottom and right now I am down and I have the choice: stay down and just countinue in this sin and let it rule my life or get up and with God's help conquer this sin once and for all. I know this is something that I can't do alone because of the countless failed attempts to do it on my own. So now I am asking for help. This is my cry for help! Just as we talked about this morning in Fun Zones at CTK when Peter took his eyes of Jesus and began to sink in the rushing water that he was standing on. He called for help and Jesus grabbed him and helped him back to his feet and now that is what I must do so now I cry: "JESUS PLEASE HELP ME! Even though I don't deserve it, PLEASE SAVE ME!" But this is not just a cry to Jesus I am also asking you my friends to help me and to keep me accountable. I have been blessed with amazing friends but I all to often fail to use them because I let my pride get in the way. I am so focused on what people think of me that I won't ask for help even when its what I need the most. So here I am DOWN!!! But not OUT!!! (QUE: ROCKY MUSIC) HAHA :D