Memories

Last night I had a lot of old memories come back to me... most of them revolve around a song that I recently have been listening to alot by Hedley called Perfect. Really I feel that the song basically describes how I have felt in a lot of ways with the way my relationship with Kahla went. I don't know it keeps reminding me of her even though that ship sailed long ago and is never coming back. I still remembered her birthday, though I guess it helps that hers is the same as my brother and sister. I don't know what to do I feel I have dealt with this a thousand times, yet it keeps coming back and each time stings worse. I have been watching Hereos lately and every time I watch I cant help but wish that I had some sort of special ability and now I am finding myself wishing I had Hiro's special power and could go back in time and change this so that I don't have to feel this pain. Or I that the Hatian could erase it from my memory. Everyone around me is changing while I see myself not going anywhere still paralyzed by what happened a year and a half ago on that Halloween night. I don't know how to move on... part of me I guess doesn't want to move on. I guess part of me remembers how happy I was that summer and how ever since that Halloween night I haven't been able to experience that happiness since. I am finding myself burying myself in either work, television, video games, or sleep. I have very few connections in Bellingham nowadays as Natalie is super busy at western RAing and such, Daniel is at Masters, Lydia at UW, Danelle going to Hati, Jeff in California, Scott and Danny are probably the only people outside of family I see on a regular basis. I am not attending church. I am trying to have a time with God but I feel no connection and haven't really felt one for almost a year. I don't know why I keep faking this life when I am so obviously living two different lives. One life I am the Awana leader who stands strong and everyone looks up to. Knows all the answers, all the verses. And another life where I am stuck constantly looking up porn, hiding things, lying, cheating, swearing, loosing self control, and killing people in my mind, going to certain places and trying to fill up this hole in my life with sexual pleasures. Filling my head with fantasies and lust. I have started to open up to some of these things with Daniel and Scott but have left a lot of the stuff out for fear of being told how sick and twisted and screwed up I am. I am a monster. A monster hiding under a mask of bible quizzer, citation award achiever, Awana leader, basketball player, oldest son, brother, friend, bible college applicant. For so long I have looked down on people who have done the things I have done and now I find myself doing those things and worse. How can God forgive me? I am the chief of sinners. How can God use me? I am selfish, prideful, and lazy. How can I even get my relationship with Him back? I have tried to repent, I have tried to pray, I have tried to read and memorize his word. But every time I just go back to my old ways faking one life in public and living a different life in private. I have no discipline and my support is a thousand miles away in California. I keep thinking maybe tomorrow something will change but nothing does, I keep begging and praying that I will find a church and a support group that keeps me accountable, unfortunately my feet do not fallow this plea and so I am still without a church and without accountability outside of Daniel. However in my dispair a song comes to mind, and plays from my computer.

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

This is what I desire, this is what I need. I need Christ and Him alone this is what I wish my heart and my body and my soul to crave each day rather then sexual immorality I would desire time with my savior, that when I feel lonely I would turn to his word and to prayer rather then TV, Movies, Video games, and porn. This is what I desire. This is what I dream. This is how I must move forward or else I am lost and will never be able to move on. I hope that you will keep me in your prayers as I move forward.